Match Reports
Battersea 5ths v Rebellion FC
Regents Park, London
Sunday 25 November 2012
K.O – 14:00
4 - 2
Author: Rory
Battersea 5ths (Yes that right 5ths) 4
Rebellion 2
On a chilly November afternoon a somewhat depleted Rebellion side produced a strong but naive performance against the 45th – 55th best footballers from Battersea.
Rebellion started the game brightly with some free flowing attacking football which was a million miles away from the pre match anxiety they were all feeling as their goalkeeper McGeehan had travelled to the wrong ground and their kit man was nowhere to be seen. The fear in the dressing room pre-match was palpable as Rebellion considered the possibility of having to play in their pants and bare chests. After a heated discussion Rebellion decided that, what with this new fangled fashion for paedophilia it was just not worth the risk of getting our boyish bodies out in public so just as skipper Attenborough went to the referee’s office to concede defeat the kit man arrived to a huge ovation and we quickly got changed. In hindsight a ‘pants and skins day’ might have been the better plan for Rebellion as the opposition would have no doubt been so perplexed by the closeness in proximity of Juanstones nipples they may have just imploded.
However Rebellion were rewarded for a fine start after 10 minutes when Attenborough launched a stinging right foot at a bouncing ball just outside the area which flew over Jesus’ head into the top right hand corner of the net. Attenborough who has been in fine form this season had barely completed his David Pleat style celebrations before a long ball from Battersea fifths landed between McGechan and McConnell and a right royal Mc Up ensued. After their number eleven miscontrolled the floated pass he laid it square to an onrushing striker who, after a push in the back from Juanstone smashed the ball wide. A collective sigh of relief from Rebellion was audible as was the sudden intake of breath immediately after as the Ref pointed to the spot. Bollocks. The number eleven nonchalantly scooped the ball into the left hand corner of the net, leaving the keeper no chance.
A few minutes later it was 2-1 to the home side, a poor clearance from Rabson landed at the feet of the ever reliable Juanstone who instead of clearing, exquisitely laid it off to the opposition striker to finish rather unluckily for McGechan, through the keepers legs.
This was not what Rebellion had deserved after an accomplished start to proceedings, their passing was crisp and sharp from front to back and they were playing like a team top of the league belittling their previous hammerings in recent weeks, after a short time they were back in it.
As Rebellion probed, the opposition keeper Jesus (who really should have been resting or overseeing his flock who had amassed in churches and cathedrals up and down the land) had spotted a poor man on the sidelines who was visibly distressed and ranting and raving, Jesus who is just a bloody good bloke decided irrespective of the game to go and heal this lunatic. As he rushed to save the individual concerned he realised the poor fella wasn’t mental he was just Adam Quirke and while all this madness was transpiring quick as a flash Attenborough got his second goal of the game taking advantage of the out of position keeper to slot into the far corner.
Rebellion were deservedly back in the game but quickly on the defensive as Battersea 5ths again sent a long ball down the right , as their striker brought the ball into the area near the corner flag Sean Quirke flipped and decided to kick their striker around five or six times quite hard in the legs. As the battered player fell to the floor bleeding profusely the Ref pointed to the spot, Quirke went mental shouted something that sounded like “truck” and booted the ball away, the Ref visibly shaking took the yellow card out and bravely presented it to Quirke, it was at that moment the ref realised his wife would end up in a bath of sand.
Anyway Battersea 5ths scored an identical penalty and the scoreline at half time was 3-2 to the home team. They scored again near the end and the game finished 4-2.
Rebellion should take some pride in their performance, the passing attacking football was a joy to watch and if they can produce it game after game and get back to defending how they did last year they could, could, maybe be an OK team.
The End.
Man of the Match - Mike Attenborough
Special Mention – Adam Bradley for trying to run around and tackle people and the midfield duo of Oliver and Scouse Bloke for trying to knock it about.
Rebellion FC v London Fields
Hurlington Park, London
Sunday 21 October 2012
K.O – 14:00
5 - 3
Author: Sean
A win! After three losses in a row and only one goal Rebellion finally won by smashing a familiar looking London Fields on the ‘bad pitch’ at Hurlingham Park. Despite an odd and never before seen display of bravado by Fields – playing piggy in the middle using the centre circle – Rebellion weren’t to be intimidated and put in a five goal display to banish their recent poor form.
However, for the third game running we did concede an early goal – after about three minutes I think – their decent centre mid hitting a great shot over Tom (Ruddy) Frames in goal. Like the last two games Rebellion roared back in contention with Jamie ‘Graveson’ Marsland and Joe ‘Freund’ Dicko winning every header and tackle in midfield.
Rebellion got the deserved equaliser after 20 minutes, Sean crossing for Mike to volley in. The second came soon after, Bradders (?) putting VJ through to finish calmly past their GK. Sensing the game could be finished by half time Rebellion poured forward and scored a third when Magic climbed over their GK to tower a header in after the ball had come back off the bar.
Despite the poor pitch confidence was growing, the ball being sprayed around all over the park, every 50-50 being won by a Rebellion player. The fourth goal came when VJ shot home from a tight angle, ignoring ‘complaints’ – solely from his own team - that the ball went in through the side netting. Credit should be given for the goal to the Battersea GK and CB who fell over each other to put VJ through.
4-1 and the game was won by half time. Luke came on for Magic and immediately belted in the fifth from outside the area despite only being on a matter of minutes. Fatigue started to tell after 70 minutes as Fields came more into the game. They should have scored from a free header before they eventually registered a couple of consolation goals, both headers from decent crosses.
This was a great performance and was good to see three midfielders scoring.
Man of the Match: Jamie
Team: Guy;-Frames;-Dan-TQ-TD-Sean;-Mike (Toan 80)-Jamie-Joe-Magic (Luke 45);-Adam;-VJ
Rebellion FC v Battersea 5ths
Hurlington Park, London
Sunday 14 October 2012
K.O – 14:00
1 - 2
Author: Sean
Battersea only started the game with 9 men but still went 1-0 within the first minute. Oh dear. It didn’t get a lot better as the game went on - Jesus, despite being 2012 years old, played a blinder in goal and then at left back.
The first Battersea goal was soft, the second was a penalty – handball against Sean. Harsh maybe but I’ve seen them given before and would be screaming for it if it was in the other area. The second goal came just as rebellion were getting back into it, Magic was unlucky with a header that was cleared on the line as well as a left foot shot a yard wide. I think there were other chances in the first half but I cant remember them.
Rebellion essentially dominated the second half, although Battersea did hit the bar twice on the break.
After 80 minutes the equaliser finally came, VJ scoring before their goalkeeper pushed the ball out two yards over the line. But no! Not given by the ref who must have been looking the other way at the time.
Despite pressing relentlessly a second (third) goal never came. Bad day.
Man of the Match: Guy
Team: Guy;-Dan-TQ- -Sean;-Mike- - -Magic;- ;-VJ
Stonewall FC v Rebellion FC
Barn Elms, London
Sunday 7 October 2012
K.O – 14:00
0 - 1
Author: Sean
Childish jokes and immature humour accompanied the run up to this game so I will refrain from participating except to say it certainly wasn’t the ‘backs to the wall’ performance anticipated.
The changing rooms and massive pitch gave a reminder to Rebellion’s magnificent Plate win last May at Wembley (FC). Similarities didn’t stop there with, like last May, one team lining up with 10 men… unfortunately this time it was Rebellion – Bradders and Pete guilty.
Stonewall sensing a time limit for their advantage pressed on, thankfully Rebellion held out just long enough for the latecomers to arrive and promptly see them go a goal down. Again it was a fairly soft goal with Stonewall getting into the box relatively unchallenged to shoot past a helpless Guy.
Restored to full strength Rebellion powered on through some good wing play on both sides of the pitch. Chances were being created with Dan and Luke shooting wide, the Stonewall defence while strong appeared to have no judgement, their centre backs constantly mistiming headers. The Stonewall attack were being marshalled admirably by the centre backs.
The second half started as the first half ended, with Rebellion on top. Good wing play between Sean and Frames – as well as some ball juggling from the latter – created a chance for Bradders who shot agonisingly over.
A couple of substitution’s freshened up Stonewall who came into the match much more as the game went on. Mid way through the half a scramble in the Rebellion area resulted in the ball dropping to their striker who surely would have scored if T (John Terry – without the racism) D had not planted his face in the way of his boot.
Two losses in two games then for Rebellion who played well throughout but were let down by their passing. Saying that, its only the cup!
Man of the Match: Sean
Team: Guido;-Magic (Pedro 45)-TD-TQ-SQ;-Hornus-Goldie-Dicko-Frames;-Bradders;--Rabbo
Rebellion FC v Luke's Lions
Hurlingham Park, London
Sunday 30 September 2012
K.O – 14:00
0 - 3
Author: Sean
Luke’s Lions returned to Hurlingham Park only a coupe of weeks after snatching a late 3-2 victory in the league. They showed in that game that, despite their overall chavish demeanour, their not a bad team and will probably challenge for promotion at the end of the season.
Like the previous four games this season Rebellion stated off well, passing the ball around confidently but without creating any real chances. Then, from out of nowhere, Lions’ tall striker chested the ball down on the left, turned and belted a cracking 25 yard shot inside the near post. Fair play he’d spent the previous game flouncing about on the ground but this was great finish.
Despite this setback Rebellion re grouped and were unlucky not to equalise when Tio’s long range shot deflected off a defender leaving the goalkeeper scrambling to push the ball round the post.
Half time came and went and, roared on by the travelling army of chavs from the side lines, Lions’ pushed on to score a second and quick third. Neither goal was particularly well worked and Rebellion will be frustrated with the soft nature of their defending.
Fitness started to tell with Rebellion starting to look fatigued against a side who credited their win to training midweek. After going 3-0 down the game fizzled out, Lions’ happy to blatantly foul – Tio cynically tripped twice when bursting through midfield.
Disappointing end to a good start to the season for Rebellion, although lets face it, it is only the cup.
Man of the Match: Magic
Team: No idea
Dynamo Gobbler v Rebellion FC
Regents Park, London
Sunday 16 September 2012
K.O – 14:00
2 – 2
Author: Luke
Return of the Gobblers
The match kicked off in the usual manner of recent weeks, with central midfield trio of TIO 'Chiellini' Oliver, Bradders 'Adam' Bradley and Dicko 'Mines a Pint' Dixon, splaying their balls around effortlesly
with the candor of a team fresh off the back of giving New Cross Gate a damn good thrashing... perhaps similarly Frames 'What a Day' Lewis, having lost every single hand of Poker the night before, turned in a performance of gargantuan defensive prowess that would ultimately reward him with Man of the match. TQ 'so laid back he's horizontal' Quirke who may have felt he would feature in the Attenborough 3 for another superb laid-backness at the back, withdrew his post-pint, much like Woody Allen at the Oscars, thus from the trophy(medal). Allegedly
he was off covorting with some lady or some such! Apparently it's preferable to a foaming pint of nut brown ale supped with the Lads!!!... and he is correct.
But I digress...
The early exchanges, although for passages calmly eased from defence to attack (TWSS) soon disbanded into the usual handbags at dawn synonomous with a Rebellion/Gobbler Derby. A lunging knee high tackle
that sent TIO sprawling like Pompeii signalled the manner in which theduration of the encounter would be played. It was perhaps against the run of play however that Gobblers took an early lead. A wide right cross, angled into that old corridor of uncertainty saw Gobbler No. 9 nip inbetween keeper and defender to nod past into the open net. Rebellion sparked by the uncharacteristic concession of an early goal,this season that is, were soon on level terms as a drilled Mikey 'So where is Cryprus?' Attenborough corner was towered home by that leaning Pisa in the flesh himself TIO (sorry TIO, I'll get bored of it soon!). It was a sensational connection (TWSS) that dipped between cross-bar and goal-glove to produce the familiar thwack of muddied ball against fresh webbing. The equaliser marked the turning point in the first half with Rebellion dominating possession throughout, MIkey 'Jubilee to Bank, then DLR?' Attenborough's tireless bursts down the right flank alongside V 'Vadge' J's battling and interplay were pivotal in the siege against Gobblers backline, with much of the first 45 spent in their half. Though in the ascendency, there was still occasion for Dicko 'complementary yellow card, sir?' Dixon to find his way into the referee's notebook with a textbook boot-against-bone-clean-out. The inaugural malay which ensued was quickly diffused by Dicko proposing to the receipient to kindly stand and consider the possiblity of seeing him next Tuesday. Much like the 200 skaters who plunged into the boating lake on that very spot January 1867, Dicko was now too on very thin ice. But before the referee could dust off his red card... assuming he'd proabably be needing it, Rebellion were ahead! In all the confusion...and mainly memory loss, the exactness of the events are disputed. Some said Mikey, some said VJ... some even said Rory McConnell! But a sublime pass from midfield sent Bradders clean through, latching onto the ball on the left corner of the box, and sliding it into the far side-netting. Magnifique! Buoyed by the advantage Rebellion continuted to press deep into opposition territory. The resulting interplay, though confident and direct (TWSS) didn't produce more goals but did ensure a 2-1 advantage at orange segments.
Opting to dispense with the quicksand of recent weeks, Rebellion began the 2nd half as they had left off the 1st. The addition of serial latecomers Jamie 'it's cos I like my eggs hard-boiled' Marsland and Tom 'I too like my eggs hard-boiled' Day, added prescence in attack and rigidity in defence. Bradders was the keystone in the Rebellion Arch, dropping deep to link up central midfield, wing and attack. Proof of his undoubted ability for the game and verbal proof to Gobbler No.5 that he could kill a man. Though huffed and puffed as we might, the two goal cushion was not forthcoming. Decent chances were created that would've concluded the affair, but not capitalised on. A Jamie volley drifting in from left wing, and a TIO air-shot from the edge of the area to name but two...and the only two that I can remember. Though slender, the cushion seemed adequate (TWSS) and Rebellion were confident of seeing out the last few minutes to record there first win against the Gobblers, all others having ended in stalemate. There were still strong tackles flying in, none more so than Frames 'anything Dicko can do I can do better' Lewis which awarded a late Gobbler free-kick on the edge of the box, and an opportunity to work the keeper. Guy 'left boot like a traction engine' McGechan, whose spearing goalkicks deep into enemy territory had been causing havoc all game, was this time beaten by a swirling strike that slid past his left hand to rustle the roof of the net. It was a bitter pill to swallow as the equaliser came too late to remount a serious charge, with the final whistle at 2-2 feeling more like two points dropped than a point gained. Previous Gobbling encounters had been tight affairs (TWSS) but this time around it was evident they'd been there for the taking. Post match handshakes and non-handshakes, Rebellion thoughts soon turned to that of the return fixture, and much like Rory 'Caught Short' McConnell on that fateful second morning...there's unfinished business!
Teaching of the Week
"We're not just footballers, we're humans too" Gobbler No. 5
Key:
THSS = That's what she said
Man of the Match: ?
Rebellion FC v New Cross Gate FC
Hurlingham Park, London
Sunday 9 September 2012
K.O – 14:00
5 – 1
GK: Guy; RB: Dan; CB: Frames; CB: TQ; LB: Luke; RM: Mike; CM: Tio; CM: Joe; LM: Magic; SS: Bradders; ST: VJ
Author: Frames
Rebellion started this game as they started the previous fixture against Luke’s Lions – excellently, with added composure.
Frames and TQ were hardly troubled at the back, knocking the ball around, with Joe and Tio confidently moving the play forward.
Chances were created and New Cross Gate FC were kept under wraps for the majority of the half.
On around 20 minutes, Joe found himself inside the area at the by-line from a corner and crossed low into the six-yard box. Bradders ducked in front of the goalkeeper to toe in the first goal.
Not long later and Guy launched a ball forward, Tio flicked it on with his head, Bradders laid it through to VJ and VJ was found clean through on goal scampering down the right channel diagonally towards the oncoming goalkeeper. Once again, as he did last season, VJ was cool in front of goal and sidefooted the ball past the goalkeeper and into an empty net.
The third was good - I think. I think Bradders chested it down from somewhere and thumped it past the keepers right from about 15 yards. Cracking left-foot, that boy.
Half time was 3-0 to Rebellion FC – which was nice.
Second half New Cross Gate FC got themselves a bit more into it as Rebellion slacked off.
Even so, with some excellent work on the left from Bradders, he whipped in a zipping left foot cross that left the goalkeeper floundering out as VJ stooped into to a head the ball past the on rushing keeper. 4-0!
With less than ten minutes to go, Frames (the tool) went off with cramp.
Leaving Joe in defence, the team were caught off-guard from a throw and the opposition’s zippy, little left-winger nipped in to a loose ball to knock the ball past a helpless Guy.
Even with ten men, Rebellion didn’t stop. Tenacious work from Tio to bundle the ball to Bradders, who took a touch around the defender and scorched another left-footer from 20 yards. 5-1!
Everyone played well. Everyone got stuck in and everyone enjoyed themselves – I think.
Anyway, I’ll start doing these properly and remember stuff and make them funny. Until next time.
Man of the Match: Bradders
Rebellion FC v Luke’s Lions
Hurlingham Park, London
Sunday 2 September 2012
K.O – 14:00
2 – 3
GK: Magic; CB: Sean; CB: TQ; CB: Brad; LM: Luke; CM: Tio; CM: Joe; CM: VJ; RM: Mike; SS: Adam; ST: Jamie
Sub: Tom Day (for Brad)
Author: Tio
As the sun crept up over the hallowed Hurlingham turf it signalled not just the dawn of a new day but an era of new hope, new expectation and new socks.
The whiff of R-r-r-ebellion hung heavy in the air as the early arrivals booked their place in the team and the front row for the women’s rugby.
Ar-r-r-roused by memories of former plate shaped glories our heroes of Wembley (FC) kicked off towards the 'tree' stand. Rebellion dominated the first skirmishes of the match passing the ball around like a leather clad parcel at their own party. Alas when the music stopped so did Rebellion, Luke’s Lions roared into life channelling their efforts through a speedy left winger. Eventually the pressure told as the lions won a penalty as soft as the cream cheese on my half time bagel. In such moments Rebellion vs Lions becomes striker vs goalkeeper, cool headed Corbin against the man mountain Johnstone. Corbin the lion snarled, rutted and strode up to the ball, struck a sweet right footed shot and….TAMED by a combination of Johnstone’s mind games and the cross bar. The Lions smelt blood, however, and from the resulting rebound headed back into the danger zone for Corbin to dispatch into the onion bag. And 1-0 it stayed until half time.
Into the second half the match ebbed and flowed until Rebellion snatched an equaliser from a well worked corner routine. One can only imagine the hours were spent perfecting that routine in pre-season. With Rebellion fighting on all fronts they looked the more likely to score and so it was when another well worked corner to the back post saw Joe 'The Destroyer' Dixon leap like a salmon on it's way to the mating pool and head home, to rapturous celebrations from Rebellion.
A change in formation offered the chance to sit back and hold the lead for the final 15 mins but the tactic backfired like a defunct Jaivan cannon. The Lions’ pressured tensions rose, with Corbin picking up a yellow card in his increasingly bitter dual with Quirke the elder. It was to be Corbin who would have the last laugh, though, grabbing a bullet equaliser under pressure from a Quirke ‘brother-sandwich’ (not a sex term). As hamstrings heaved and sinews strained, the teams bludgeoned their way into the final ten minutes. The climactic finale of the match saw Corbin again break through to prod home from an acute angle to cr-r-r-r-ush the R-r-r-rebellion and their hopes of a first day victory.
Everyone agreed however that the new socks were an absolute triumph.
Man of the Match: Joe Dixon